Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
