I didn't shave. On purpose
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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