Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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