I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
