I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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