I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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