I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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