I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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