Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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