I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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