I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize