Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
