WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
