Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
