My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
