I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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