and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
