I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
