I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
