I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
