My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
