[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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