Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
