Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I look better un-naked...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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