Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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