My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
