my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
