meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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