Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
