I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the condom got lost in my hair
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
