I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
