I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
