He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
