He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
