he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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