Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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