I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
