My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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