he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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