They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
