she looked like the bat from fern gully.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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