There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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