4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
