I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
