My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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