I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
