Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
