I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
