apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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