i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
