Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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