I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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