You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
