i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
