I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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