While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
