woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
