Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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