If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
